aznlikewoah

A wise man once said "Life is an adventure in forgiveness."
Some might rank bungee jumps off a bridge in New Zealand or bachelor parties in Vegas a few notches higher on the adventure ladder. But think about the risks involved. You can climb to the mountaintop of attrition only to get shot down by a victim who refuses to forgive. Think about the rewards. A chance to heal those nasty wounds, reconcile with someone you love. Now that I think about it, forgiveness might knock bungee jumps and bachelor parties off the charts.
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I woke up this morning and thought a lot about whats been going on in my life recently. I realize that all this time I've been thinking of ways to improve myself and my life, little has really changed and progress as been overall slow. I haven't done much other than think. Dreams are starting to become more frequent and strange. Hell last night I had a threesome (yes 2 other girls ya fuckers). That in itself was strange. I havent had a sex dream in many years, never had a threesome that in a dream. With who? I have no clue. I know they were hot though haha. Also recently I came to the conclusion to drop all grudges I have with everyone. I realized the grudeges were more childish or growing childish more than anything else. I'm better than that. I'm 24 years old and spent half of my life pissed off, and for what looks like no reason or stupid reasons. But I don't wanna get into anymore specifics of my life story and thoughts on it. The purpose of this post is forgiveness. Even though I've decided to drop grudges. I find that I have a very hard time forgiving everyone as well. A hard time swallowing my pride. I don't understand this.
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A man stands in a cemetary reading a letter he wrote, finally forgiving his long dead father. The mother of a girl killed by a drunk driver is wracked with fantasies with retailiation. Your boyfriend/girlfriend begs you for one more chance. You say to a mirror you're done hating yourself. But you know you're not. Maybe instead of forgive and forget, it should be forgive and remember. Remember that you might wake up and have to forgive all over again and again and again, the way the heart keeps beating like a drum. Forgive. I can't. You can. Forgive. Forgive. I can't. YOU can. Forgive.

I still check this lj for friends posts almost daily. I haven't posted simply because I've been busy with stuff and don't want to run the risk of jinxing a lot of good things that can potentially go wrong. Hopefully I'll be able to start blabbing within the next week or two.

I keep thinking about Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Good thing Gregg let me borrow it....too bad I left it in the car last night....Its warm in my room, under these blankets....I dont wanna go outside and get it....but I wanna watch......decesions decesions...

There isn't much to update about really. Tomorrow I have my finals for my Sheet metal class. I'm still having trouble getting my Trigonometry down pat. I wouldn't be sweating it so much if there wasn't so many math questions on the test. I seem to be missing a step here and there and that little missed step throws off my answer my inches. Inches does not sound like much but I'm allowed to only be off by .001 of an inch.

In recent news I've severed ties with more people that I came to figure were just a waste of time. I've grown more tolerant of peoples ignorance. One thing I know I have bettered myself on is to not be such an asshole about my views and opinions on people and things. I don't exactly know I was being like that for the longest time. But I have noticed that it pushes away a lot of good people as well as the bad. I've brought back a few old friends and it has proven to be a good move. I'm still being urged to see people but I really don't think I really have any interest in doing that relationship or not. People still breaking my balls about the lack of girlfriend. Doesn't bother me anymore, its all in good fun. I've been telling myself to check out the other clubs but things keep coming up on those nights and I never get to go. I got some new clothes but I need more. Would anyone like to go clothes shopping with me? I'm going for just about anything (yes this means color or non black stuffs).

I feel like I'm finally in more of a stable state of mind. I've started hanging out with acquaintances I've known throughout the years at the club. Recently hung out with Krystal and Justin, had fun just hanging out. Too bad my exhaustion but a damper on the night. Been trying to get around to seeing Tina more often but shes stuck at Party City. I get to see Heather again on Thursday. The past few times I went to the club I believe i did more talking than dancing. Felt good to really socialize and talk to people or hang out. I don't fully remember the complete reason as to why i never did it before. But now I am going to do it more often. My hobby, remains to my own secret. dun dun dun!!!! But I've managed to hit the Oh shit wall and am seeking help.

Now dad wants to get a house (yes he is still talking about it) for me and Min. Stating that he gave up before because he wanted to give one to me so that Rox and I had a place to live and such. Now dad wants to get a place for Min and I i believe because he is trying to not lose me or something. This is has been brought up because I insisted and stressed that I want to get an apartment and get out on my own....again. I think I don't have any jobs anymore, at least I don't think I work at Light Action. I haven't had a gig since October. Tower is a joke. I've been shopping around for a job but nothing looks good. Haven't worked at Tower since mid December.

Now to the main part of the post.

Last night plans were to just have a lil guys hang out at my place.

Yesterday Azn Ryan calls me up and asks me if I wanted to go to the Tattoo convention with him, so I said sure. We went down there and got in for free. Security apparently doesn't check for wristbands very well since we walked right in all casual. Looking for the admissions booth and then finding it before we left. Note: This was the very first convention of anything I have ever been to, I've seen conventions to TV, thats about it. I will say that I liked being there. Although Ryan was disappointed. I guess I would be too if I actually knew more. Afterwards we went to Burger King and just talked about random stuff. Was good to hear his view points on people and life. Made me really think about how I was handling things in my life. He mentioned as we left that he had an urge to walk a mall. So we kidnapped Gregg. Then Ryan thought about how it looked like it was a good night for QXTs. I caled some people up and it was set in stone.  We went to Moorestown Mall. I bought A shirt, but failed in my quest to find some nice hoodies. :( We then almost got lost because I couldn't decided on whether we should go to Cherry Hill mall or my house. Once we got to my house, I got changed, then we got Jew who managed to get out.

Ry and I took over the ground floor in the club. Much fun we had. I am definitely out of shape from the lack of dancing. I died by the 2nd song. The rest of the night was all adrenaline and a lot of water. We left by 2:15 in hopes to get Ry home early since he had to be at work early (5am). We start the drive home by my dumbass not paying full attention and taking the exit before the turnpike so we wound up in downtown Newark. Ry helped me out of it a little but stating how he recently got lost with Rox back there. 20 minutes later we got onto the turnpike. By the way, my CD player and my cassette tape deck thingy is shot so we had to rely on the limited amount of reception we got on the radio. We got to about Mount Holly when I put in Third Eye Blind for kicks. Amazingly the car let the CD play through. Just nothing else. I took the wrong onramp to 295 and was going away from Cherry Hill (Greggs house) so I got off the first exit. Went down the road and pulled a U-turn. About 2 minutes later I get pulled over by Mount Laurel police.

"Do you know why I pulled you over?"
"I'm gonna take a guess and say it was the U-turn?"
"Yes, didn't you know you are not allowed to do that?"
"Well I saw the sign for no left turn but not one for a U-turn"
"Have any one of you been drinking?"
"No."

I could go into further detail but it would bore you to death.  Basically in short, he actually wound up letting me go. Which amazed me. I haven't been pulled over in about 3 or 4 years. I got everyone home, and managed to lay in the comfort of my bed by 5:02am.

By nights end, I had a smile on my face when I fell asleep.

Just sucked that I woke up so sore...


Thank you Ryan, its great to have a friend like you.

It's is about 27 hours later and I still feel on top of the world. Although I did nothing spectacular today. I spent the whole day at dads.

Went to the club at 9:30. Club was crowded but I didn't mind it one bit. Talked to various people I know. Conversed with Raquel and her friend Stephanie for a while. Also Jeremy (who just came back from Cali), Steve and the other Jeremy. Zack was there as well. Stacy, Joey and John also had their fun with me. Azn Ryan was bored. Some girl with crazy dreads tried to talk to me. She was really stoned off her ass, but she was more entertained with my hair....yeah I totally avoided her for the rest of the night. WIshed Jim, Matt, Angie and her bf Mike a happy new year. I enjoyed my whole entire night and was totally in another world. The feeling was/is great. I haven't danced in 2 or 3 weeks (2 weeks ago I did more conversing than dancing) but I rocked out. I intended to take pictures but I was so into the night that I forgot about it. Oh yeah! I saw this short fat girl beat up I guess her bf or probably now exbf like 2 feet away from me. It was pretty funny to see them go at it and to see security jump all over that one.

I still don't know what is making me feel so....energetic, so alive. I've only ever felt like this whenever I got a gf. No there still is no girl in my life and there hasn't been for some time so you can take that guess and toss it out of the window.

Tonight definitely goes with the top 10 best nights I've ever had at the club in my 6 or 7 years there. Maybe even top 5...

My appetite is slowly returning. Ate half a large pizza pie at dads (I usually can never eat that much pizza). Aftter the club, I stopped at Wendys and chowed down an entire value meal like no tomorrow.

In case anyone is curious, I have not read anyones LJs and hardly anyones myspace blogs. So yeah, if I'm missing out on something in your life...well I guess that sucks to be me. Maybe I'm better off at the same time too.

Melissa kind of yelled at me the other day. Kind of like a nice slap in the face. I totally needed that. So thanks. I feel so different now, not just because I'm actually really happy and all, but I really sense that something is different about me. I can't put my finger on what it is and I don't think I'm going to try to figure it out. Don't try fix something if it isn't broken right? I'm living this up as much as I can.

I have like a 485 word essay to write that is due on Tuesday. I've been hardcore procrastinating for the past 2 weeks on doing it. It will be done on like Saturday or something ( <----see procrastination!!).

I cleaned up my room. Threw away 3 bags of trash last night. Working on the boxes under the microwave cabinet tomorrow.

Cryonica Tanz Volume 4 is a good compilation album. It should be bought because I'm enjoying it.

Oddities of Christmas
   Got a friendship bracelet from Melissa (thanks)
   Got a Polo, black, Ralph Lauren Cologne thingy from Phu (moms friends daughter)
   Got a possible $100 to KOP Mall from My brothers ex-wife who came to the country last year and never really 
   talked to her (who wants to go shopping with me?)
   Got a Christmas card in the mail a day after Christmas from Natalie (uh...thanks)

They are "odd" only because of all the people that I know, I actually recieved stuff from 2 out of 3 really random people that I would absolutely NEVER expect anything from.

New Years invites, I got quite a few and I thank you all for them. But Judy wisely got me like last month or 2 months ago. Plus shes going to Japan and stuff so she has a slight edge on everyone.Maybe next year. Well....I think Tina has dibs already if she's still here.

This is public simply because I don't feel like repeating the same stories and stuff over and over again. Besides I always forget some detail each time I explain something.

IN YO FACE!

I am feeling VERY happy. I'll explain later. But for now, I'm totally savoring this feeling that I've lost for so long. It kind of feels like.....victory.

 :D

I was having a good night and then I came home. Right now I just wanna scream/yell out one word to express all of my emotions right now.

FUCK!!

Friday
I worked. Performing was a sold out show of Damien Rice. All he sang were love songs. Q wasn't there that night but even though we were a person short, we managed to finish our jobs an hour or so faster than normal. Hopefully that should prove to the boss that we work better without her.

Saturday
Went to breakfast with Riya, Rachael and a friend of theirs. Had a good time. Went home. Stayed in until about 8. Went to Tiffanys diner with Riya for Coffee. Then dropped her off at Nifty Fiftys while I went to Lansdowne for Dans Party. Had a good time. Left at 2:30. Made it to about northbound 95, Aramingo exit when I fell asleep. Had a dream I was in Jersey about to meet up with some friends. Not long into the dream, I'm on the Betsy Ross bridge going into Jersey. Turned around and got home by 3:30.

Today
Woke up around 8:45. Went to Holy Innocence Church at 9. I haven't gotten the idea to wake up to go to church since I was about 12 or 13. 10 years. I got there 30 minutes before everyone else (some reason I had this idea in my head that mass started at 9) so I just sat inside. I stayed after mass ended, talked to the Father for what seemed like 20 minutes, it was not a confessional, thats Friday and Saturday apparently. After church, stayed in my room until almost 4:30. Went to Jews house, Haven't seen or talked to him in about 2 weeks. Watched the Eagles beat NEW YORK. and left at 9. Here I am.

Getting more and more into horoscopes, astrology, books and random acts of boredom. I think everything will finally be okay for now on. heh

I promise.

- Will the Azn

Three is the number of those who do holy work;
Two is the number of those who do lover's work;
One is the number of those who do perfect evil
                                                          Or perfect good.

- From the notes of a monk
of the Order of St. Oco;
His name is unknown.

My mind has decided to take another route when it comes to things that happen.

Lately I've noticed that things are easier to understand when you put it to a more...I guess you can say spiritual sense? When I'm feeling down, suddenly Melissa pops up out of no where. Of all the people that I know, she of all people comes to the rescue. Not that I have a problem with that, I'm more grateful than anything else.

I noticed that everytime I take a "shortcut" in life, more than half the time I end up with a bad result. Example:

This morning I left the house with my dads Blazer. My car was in the garage for new brakes. I drove about 3 or 4 miles when suddenly the truck shuts down. I'm out of gas. The gas gauge doesn't work by the way. I called my brother to pick me up and he agreed he would come get me, it was 7:20ish. I sat there for about 20 minutes litening to the radio thinking about how I ruined perfect attendance for the 3rd month in a row and the make up assignment that's I'm going to have to do because of the lateness. 7:40 I decided to start walking to school, which was literally on the other side of the airport and I can not cut through there even though I'm a student. I get a text from my brother saying that he will get me at 8:30. "Good thing I already started walking," I thought. I get down towards the end of the road and thought about cutting through the treeline. It would shave about 15 minutes from my walk. I started going through and realized that the treeline included many many thorn bushes. I walked alongside it until I found a path. I was determined to cut through here. I made it to the other side of the treeline but the path ended with about thorn bushes of all kinds about 5 feet high and stretched across about 7 feet. Just when I decided to turn back and get back onto the road because my little shortcut failed, it started raining. I got back onto the road and started walking around the treeline via road. Eventually my brother came and picked me up.

Lesson learned?
1. No more short cuts on hikes.
2. Thorn bushes are not your friends.
3. When dad decides to lend me the truck, throw $5 of gas into it before going anywhere.
4. It takes approximately 45 minutes to walk from Red Lion road and roosevelt blvd. to Comly Road to Decatur Road to almost Red Lion Road again. Google earth northeast airport and click on the box on the left side to show the roads around there, you'll see my adventure :)

Ick yeah I don't feel like fixing my grammer and stuff on this post. I suddenly feel hyper.

After my prior post, I went back to go get some sleep. I was asleep for maybe 15 minutes. I had a very interesting dream that there was a huge fight (fist fighting). Meaning lots and lots of people. I don't remember why there was a fight, I do remember that to get to the fight, i had to get on this wooden boat and cross a river with a bunch of people. Honestly I remember nothing but the boat part and the end of the dream. Which is why I'm posting this. I really don't understand if it is supposed to mean something or not. Maybe a fellow reader can help me out. Oh and this whole dream, I was watching it from a 3rd person view, seeing my facial expressions was quite...um..wow? Anyway, the end of the dream goes like this:

I had just got done stomping someone when I ran over to a Bryce (yes Bryce was in my dream) who wa laying on the ground wrapped around another guy. Basically restraining the guy from doing whatever. He had the guy in a full nelson and Bryces' legs were wrapped around the guys waist. Roxan was standing in front of them taunting the guy that was restrained, yelling at him. What was said, I don't know. The guy said something that pissed me off so I kicked him in the chest and face a couple times. The guy was rendered helpless. Bryce let him go, all pissed off at something. I'm assuming he didn't want me to kick the guy or something. He got in my face. Face to face. I yelled at him with my face full of rage and emotions and all that good stuff "Bryce get out of my face, I do not want to hit you!" Rox ran over and just when she got between us, I woke up.

I have never, ever had an ex's bf in any dream before.

I really wish I could remember what all happened in this dream and everything that was said. I wouldn't be feeling as confused right now...

This post is of no real importance. I felt a sudden urge to post this just because I can.

I've been on Soulseek and Limewire almost everyday this week. The past 2 days I've been on a downloading rampage. Broadening my tastes and interests in music. I have more albums in my possession than I have time to listen to them. My instructor has helped boost my collection of albums by burning me 48 of his stuff in class. Gregg has helped start it with by lending me 26 not long after all of mine were stolen. So special thanks to Gregg and Pete for the boost in Cds.

See....I told you this was of no importance. But if you read this much... I might as well return the probable 2 minutes of life you wasted reading this post with this:

The efforts been there. The habit to be there for people and help with whatever. I'm not 100% stable yet but I'm damn close and I'm feeling good. I haven't felt much urge to post on here lately simply because there really hasn't been so much on my mind. Melissa has quickly proven to be a good friend despite the fact that her fiancee totally hates me. Seriously, if it weren't for her, then I really don't know. Her timing to be availible to talk has been incredible. I'm trying to concentrate more on myself but I've also been distracted with old habits of trying to hang out with people constantly. I've decided last night that I will not be online that much. Maybe to check messages and thats about it. I'm spending too much time staring at a blank screen and I can and should be doing more productive things.

So far my being spontainious has paid off. I'm enjoying myself and thats what counts right? There has been only one failed attempt at being random on something. That was the other night to go see Psyclon Nine in NY but it failed for justified reasons and possible future complications.

Today after school, I hung out with Katie until an hour ago. We went to Jews so she could see the baby and for me to return some of their DVDs I borrowed. Moms to get some cds for my laptop, Dads just because, and to Great American Diner and Pub. We didn't do too much talking. But I found our hanging out just right. Not too much talking, not too quiet, and personally her just being there felt a little comforting. She has been going through her own problems as of late. I won't mention what they are but she's got a lot to bear. I didn't really know she was going through that much, but after finding out while conversing with her, I hope taking her out for the day helped. Oh and I just must add this.

Line of the week:
"This is really weird....you're like affectionate and stuff."

I am cutting back on my time on the computer from now on...want me? Call me. Don't have my number? Ask for it.

I'll check messages from time to time but that will be all.

It's things like tonight that make me hate myself all over again...

Thanks Meliss for the chat though.

Think Ninja baby!!

My cousin in Japan has been trying to move into this country for years, and yesterday, she finally got approved. She will be living with me at my moms. Now I actually have a reason like living there. But I still intend on trying to move out. I am quite excited and can not wait. She will be here in a couple weeks. Hell maybe she'll teach me Vietnamese and Japanese while shes here :)

At least finally, somebody who lives over here will teach me the language. Vietnamese is obviously more important because I would like to converse with my family in Vietnam. Japanese would only be a plus. Honestly, I never thought about learning it but hell, if I'm going to learn my native language, I might as well learn Japanese too.

This news has definitely cleared the dark clouds hovering over me, at least, for now.

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA